Growing Brightness: Three Things to Start With

The times we are in require us to do the hard work of examining and defining and championing our values everywhere, in everything, as loud as we can.

Make no mistake, we are living in a dangerous time. I could recite the litany of things that have happened, from natural disasters to threats to democracy to open efforts to dehumanize and persecute entire swaths of people, but I'm not convinced that repeating them over and over is really helpful. A great deal of what is happening right now is a deliberate attempt to flood the senses and overwhelm people so that they lose the capacity to resist or process what is happening. There is much evil afoot, and there are lots of places where you can go to get the blow-by-blow description of all the evil that is descending on us.

What I want to offer here is a few initial thoughts on how principled people of spirit combat this evil, at its root cause.

It is a little too easy to blame our current problems on politics, and to reach into politics for the solution, especially since the current deluge of shit is coming as the result of a political transition of power. Because the fact is, the social fabric, our sense of community, has been fraying for years, and that is why when evil shows up, it is not only being tolerated, it is finding a fair number of people willing to cheer it on.

It's always been true that people in power almost never live up to moral standards. The studies are clear - the more money you have, the more power you have, the more likely you are to be lacking in empathy, and morally sketchy. Even someone as beloved as the writer Neil Gaiman can harbor horrible impulses and do reprehensible things, all the while claiming that he did nothing wrong, and that those he harmed were willing participants in his misconduct. The millions who loved him are now disappointed (including me).

What is most distressing is that there are so many who seem to think that this is actually okay. There seems to be a widening belief that might ought to make right, and that those with outsized power should be allowed to use it however they like, with no limits or accountability. That somehow, this is a good thing that should be encouraged and emulated.

How you can tell it's a crisis is actually through the little things. I was in a semi-rural part of southern Florida visiting my Dad for the holidays, and during those two weeks, every time I pulled into the Publix to pick up my groceries that I ordered via Instacart, the designated spaces for people picking up groceries were filled with cars who are parked for the duration. And when I mentioned it to the beleaguered grocery store employee who has to play "find the car" in a very crowded parking lot, she told me with an air of resignation, "well, there's really nothing we can do about it."

In every instance where something like this occurs, the logic is the same -- "I know this is not what courtesy demands of me, but I'm going to do it anyway because I don't care enough about electric vehicles/handicapped people/basic principles of sharing space. The fact that I want to park here is more important than anything else." If you can't be bothered to care about other people in the small ways, it becomes harder to justify caring when the stakes get higher. And once you get to resentment, the crisis gets even deeper. When you start telling yourself, how dare this other group get something I could use? You have now turned courtesy on its head, transforming rudeness into heroism. Suddenly, they aren't bogarting a parking space, they see themselves as "dispensing justice."

The ease with which vice is transformed into virtue is indicative of a culture where there is a very deep fracturing of community, of values and identity. It is hard to have a functioning community where people can feel safe when there appears to be no rules or accountability. This is the reason why the "Purge" movie series is classified in the horror genre.

Our politics are a symptom of a much larger problem with the acceptance of cruelty. When compassion is considered "too soft," when the idea of not just defeating your opponents but destroying them is cheered, when people are given wide ranging power and no accountability for how they use it, these are indicative that we as a society have abandoned some fundamental principles of decency. And as it trickles down into America's parking lots and playgrounds, into our families and our social groups, our ability to be a functioning society where we can feel safe and thrive is undermined. Our politicians in the end are only a reflection of what we are willing to tolerate. Americans have elected these fuckers. Americans send them money. Maybe not anyone in your friend group or family, but that doesn't change the fact that there are millions of Americans who do.

It begins and it ends with us, with our values and how insistent we are that they be of the highest quality. Our broken politics will not be solved until we solve our broken values.

But how do we do that? What the fuck does that mean, anyway?

That, dear reader, is the big question. And it's not a question that I think one person gets to answer by themselves in a vacuum or a blog post. In the end, our societal values are not the product of one person's ideas or labor. They require the effort of large numbers of people banding together and standing for values in how they behave, it how they talk about the world, in how they treat other people, in all the things they do. Our values are what we live every day, and we either consciously create those values or we are left with whatever the lowest common denominator is willing to suborn.

None of this means that I have nothing to say on the matter. What I have to say, however, should not be read as a prescription, as if simply by doing the things i suggest it will fix everything. I'm not that wise or powerful. It is meant to start a larger conversation that will hopefully draw in more and more people. The values system we need as a nation has to be one that is capable of withstanding challenges, that has thoroughly examined both the world around and itself. That's why the push-pull of people bringing their ideas together to see what survives the cage match of dialogue is so important. We have good ideas, but to transform those good ideas into durable values that are capable of holding up against attack, we need to have refined them in the fires of challenge. Dogma and squashing conflict is what you do when you know your ideas aren't able to survive being tested.

When people start using words like "morality," "values," and "decency" in conversation, many of us get a little hesitant, not because we don't have morality or values or decency (we very much do), but because those words very often have been used as cudgels to abuse and marginalize people, to create division and flex power. Whose values? What morality? Decency according to whom? Too often the person trotting out those words is looking to impose their very narrow definitions of those words, and is trying to circumvent dialogue rather than encourage it. That is, in fact, what the white Christian fascists who are trying to take over our society are doing. They are actively taking over the levers of power --political, social and physical -- so that they can impose their very narrow definition of values on a populace that doesn't actually share those values.

While the physical and political resistance is obvious, (And you can find much better experts than me on those topics. My son in particular is a fan of Stacy Abrams podcast "Assembly Required." Feel free to add your favorites in the comments.) creating the underpinning of shared values that will provide the social power needed to make sure these assholes lose is trickier. But I'm here to try.

Photo by Joshua Rodriguez on Unsplash

Why it's tricky is because in a pluralistic society, absolute statements can generate as much conflict as they solve, and universal truths are often not as universal as we like to believe. But we don’t have time to waste jawing on about it. We need to start someplace. So let's go. Here are the three things we can start with:

THING No. 1: We Need to Get Over the Perfectionism

Human beings are not, nor have they ever been, infallible. We make mistakes. We try things and we fail. We are creatures who learn, and learning is a process of moving from ignorance to knowing better. It's part of why the idea of a perfect infallible god is so attractive to so many. It would be so much easier if we could just turn to a book, or an entity, or a system that is perfect so that we can be perfected by it.

But here's the thing -- even if you believe in perfect, infallible gods, the fact remains that you aren't one. Pledging your loyalty to such an entity will not make you perfect. You're still a human being, with all the penchant for mistakes and fuckery attendant upon that identity intact. The only thing humans are perfect at is being imperfectly human.

The pernicious idea that we need gods and morality that are perfect and infallible, that are always right no matter what, is a great way to render yourself ineffectual. We are human, and any system we create, whether it's a system for understanding morality and values to a system to make a perfect pot of coffee, will be imperfect. It will not be unassailable. There will be holes that you can poke in it, and the existence of those holes, all by themselves, is not always enough to warrant discarding the idea or the system outright.

The insistence on perfection before action is justified leads to two things -- It leads to paralysis for the folks who are too honest to not acknowledge the imperfections, and it leads to willful blindness on the part of folks who want power so badly they are willing to lie to themselves and everyone else in order to claim a perfection that does not really exist.

On planet earth, nothing is without its downsides and weaknesses, and the sooner we get comfortable with the idea that something need not be perfect to be worthy, the better off we will be. Anything you choose will come with problems, with unintended consequences, with weaknesses as well as strengths. We choose sometimes not between good and bad, but between bad and worse. And when we choose solutions, we choose the downsides that come with those solutions. It's why good managers often pose the question of which solution to pick around the idea of "which problems do you want to have when this is over?"

The values we choose to champion as a society do not need to be perfect. Like us, they are going to have holes that can be poked in them. Often our best ideas, taken to an extreme, do more harm than good. Openness to various forms of sexuality and sexual expression sounds grand. But it must be tempered with a commitment to consent. Consent culture sounds great, and is essential for safety, and at the same time, if it's not happening in a spirit of collaboration and joy it can feel really icky and cold. I stand adamantly by the values of both sex-positivity and consent culture, and I recognize that how we idealize those values, and how they happen in execution, is never quite the same thing. That doesn't mean that the values of sex-positivity and consent culture are wrong or bad. Or even that we as humans are wrong or bad for not being able to execute on them perfectly. It means we do the best we can, knowing that there will still be some things that we need to work on and work out.

We need to get over the idea that we have to prove that the principles we're valuing are perfect and unassailable for them to be worthy of defense in the public square. The concession of imperfection is not losing the argument. It is the acknowledgement of reality, and the openness to the fact that all of us struggle to live our values. Even when we settle on a perfect set of values, we won't execute on them perfectly. And we need to be willing to admit that without surrendering our commitment to our ideals. The human journey is about being in a state of always learning. And that journey carries intrinsically within it the idea that you don't have all the answers and aren't always right. Anyone who tries to tell you different is lying and is trying to take something from you.

THING No. 2: We Need to Intentionally Build Community

Bullies succeed when the people in their environment stay separate in their responses and silent as to what's happening. When communities band together and get loud about who they are and what they are and aren't willing to suborn in their midst, bullies find it hard to operate. They quickly figure out they aren't able to initimidate someone who is held fast by their community and who has people to turn to.

We were pretty lousy at community before the pandemic. The pandemic made it worse because it highlighted how much we NEED community, and how little of it we actually have.

And yet, without community we are well and truly fucked. Let me be clear on what I mean by community. I do not mean a Facebook group or even a club you belong to. Your community are the people who you share the details of your life with. You call them to check in on how they are doing or to go out for a coffee when you are bored. Your community is your neighbors you talk to when you are walking your dog. Your community can be your coworkers who you have lunch with. But they are the people who you can turn to when you are in the shit, and you know they will rally around you.

As times get tougher it will be most important to have people who share your values who you feel safe with. And if you want those bonds in your life, you are going to have to intentionally build them. Seek out bonding opportunities. I've starting hosting a regular board game night to build relationships and fun into my life. Maybe you want to start a pickleball league or a brunch crew. Or you start going to a yoga class or a lecture series. Whatever it takes, however you do it, gather your people, and do it with intention.

Pick the people who you know share your values. Pick the people who you know can be counted on when you need them. Pick the people who do the things you admire, whose words and deeds make you proud to know them. Build relationships and be vulnerable. The great Nipsey Hussle once said, "If you look at the people in your circle and you don't get inspired, you don't have a circle, you have a cage." He was absolutely right.

It's important that this should be people in meat space. The problem with all the time we spend on screens is that while it IS possible to turn online friends into real life friends, it's usually not possible to really feel intimacy and connection without some real world interaction of some kind, however small. And when trouble comes at you in real time, you'll need people who are physically at your side.

All movements, all social change starts with communities of people who are as committed to each other as they are to their values. Which brings me to...

THING No. 3: We Need to Aggressively Try to Live Our Values Every Day

The only way that people change isn't by being argued with or presented with reams of facts. Especially now where there is a whole ecosystem of disinformation designed to reinforce lies about facts and ideology. People change their minds when they realize that there is something else to know or think and believe in that is more in line with who they want to be. And it isn't going to come from something they see on a screen. It's going to come from what they see in their neighbors and in the people around them.

So for those of us who believe that might does not make right, and that people should be accountable for their actions, we need to live that, and do it loud. For people who believe not in marginalizing those who are different, but in embracing them as beloved equals and kindred, we need to live that, and do it loud. Not in performative ways, but in deed and in truth. Ask yourself in every moment how you can serve your values. Believe in your power to do good and find ways to do it.

The fight for recognition of LGBTQ+ rights changed in the early part of this century when activists stopped talking about it as a legal matter of making sure people had their rights, and when it became about loving who you love, and loving people for who they are, not based on whether they tow the line on their sexuality. People shifted their opinions because they wanted to be on the side of love, rather than hate. And even though it seems like that ship might have sailed for some of the folks riding the Trump train, we can't give up on the power of our higher and better values -- love, freedom, kindness, generosity, accountability -- to bring us back from the brink.

I live in a community that has an HOA that for a very long time was plagued by a bully -- a man who insisted that he knew what was best for everyone, and when anyone dared question his purported expertise he would be rude and dismissive. The other homeowners let him get away with the behavior for a long time, and the HOA was a recalcitrant, drama-laced endeavor that bred ill will between neighbors because his way of doing things went unquestioned. On an email chain he snapped at a newish homeowner who had asked a perfectly reasonable question, trying to make her feel small and wrong for asking. I stepped in, responding that she had meant the question in earnest, and that we are neighbors first, and therefore we need to treat each other that way, and not jump down someone's throat for having a question. The bully backed down. And lately, the HOA has been able to do more things with less drama. People responded to the idea of treating each other like neighbors. And it's something we remind each other of as we do things now.

Yes, it's a nice story reminiscent of 70's sitcoms and after school specials when problems could be solved with one plucky person doing something to stand up to the bully. What we're facing isn't that simple. One thing that we really need to get through our thick skulls is that there is not going to be any watershed hero's moment where fascism is defeated, and the Christofascists slink off into the sunset, never to be heard from again. There is no hero coming to save us. It's going to take all of us, working together, standing up for ourselves and each other, to beat back this wave of shit, and we'll need to stay vigilant if we intend to keep it that way.

Every generation in this country has had to put it all on the line for freedom. We are not exempt. But I do believe that fight begins with each American looking at what they truly believe, and making it clear what they stand for, clear in their own mind and clear with everyone around them. We need to aggressively promote those values in our communities, our neighborhoods, our towns and cities and states, until we've taken back our country from the sickness it is infected with. We need to be loud not just with what we oppose, but what we are for. We are for accountability. We are for kindness and generosity. We are for a society that looks at power as a thing that is demonstrated not by who can be made to bend the knee, but rather who can be raised up and supported so they thrive.

We need to live and promote those values so wholeheartedly that we absolutely shine with it. Polish it up and shine it up into a 1000 watts of bright, incandescent light and truth.

We each of us need to become beacons for each other. This is what it means to stand together against the darkness. We do it in small ways. Every day. Growing the light bit by bit, until it shines so brightly and with such strength that it sends the darkness packing. It starts with what we tell our children. What we tell our neighbors. What we say in town halls. What we say in cafes and clubhouses. What we say in our offices. It's what we do, the decisions we make when we have the ability to put the ideals we value into practice.

They want us silent and separate. When we are loud and together, we are unbeatable.

This is just the beginning. There is a lot more to discuss and to do. But in a moment where everyone is trying to figure out how to begin, this is a good a place to start as any.