How to "People" Again
Some old advice on networking might hold the key to managing stale people skills
When the pandemic first hit American shores in the beginning of 2020, it took awhile for people to understand that this was going to change things, but by the middle of March, vast swaths of the country were locked down. We stopped going to our offices and workplaces. We didn't go grocery shopping unless we had to. We stopped seeing friends in person. Zoom happy hours became the norm. Being around other people was suddenly dangerous. And then we started discovering that people were assholes. They hoarded toilet paper. They acted up on airplanes. Now there are shootings all over the place.
Things got weird fast. And as a witch and a pagan, I know a lot about weird. This was not the good kind of weird, either. This was the kind of weird where grown humans who used to be sunny and happy-go-lucky end up going more than a week without washing their hair or changing out of their Pokemon fleece pajama pants. This is the kind of weird where you can't remember the last time you went into a store that wasn't a drugstore or a grocery store for something other than what was absolutely necessary. And where when you go to hug your friend, you hesitate, because you're not really sure anymore if hugging is a good thing or a bad thing. Groups either velcro-ed themselves together or shattered spectacularly. Some communities grew stronger as they built new ways of bonding and communicating and interacting. Others devolved into awkward silences and hidden resentments that ultimately killed all connection.
People are ruder. They are less patient. They are guarded in ways that they never were before. We give and get the "stank eye" from strangers a lot more easily, because we have no idea any more how to be around people. We're all feeling lonely and isolated, and right at the time we need connection the most, we seem unable to muster it. We have all learned the lesson that we need other people, we crave other people. And we have at the very same time forgotten how to be in the presence of other humans and be relaxed.
Some of this discomfort, make no mistake, is legit. With so much going on in the world, we're all a little bit on edge, and it's hard to muster up the courage to be sociable with strangers when you've spent the last year and a half social distancing because if you don't, a deadly disease might kill you or someone you love. Add in all the tension over racial reckoning, the Big Lie of the election, increased gun violence, and people just not knowing how to behave and yeah, I gotta admit that giving my fellow humans the benefit of the doubt when I am shoulder to shoulder with them in public places isn't as easy as it once was.
I used to know how to "people." But I don't remember how to do it anymore.
But human presence, just being there, is exactly what we need if we are going to create a more caring and functional society. The research is clear that proximity does in fact make us like each other more. Richard Moreland and Scott Beach of the University of Pittsburgh conducted a study where they asked four women to attend a psych class who had been rated about equally in terms of likeability and attractiveness by an independent panel. Each did the same thing when they attended – walked down to the front of the room, took notes during class, and walked out at the end of class. None of the women interacted with her fellow students. The only difference was frequency of attendance. One woman did not go to any classes. One went five times, another ten, and the last went 15 times. When the students in the class were surveyed, no one actually recognized any of the women as being in their class. However, the more times the woman attended, the more likely she would be rated by the other students as being likeable and attractive. It turns out that we like people more the more we see them around, even if we never say a word to them, even if we don't remember having seen them.
Way back in the before times, I wrote a blog for a local arts publication about networking for artists. Artists are notorious for their introversion and their hatred of things that require them to communicate verbally. There are exceptions to this of course, but generally speaking, I have found that the person who decides paintbrushes and clay and the like are how they most want to express themselves are that way because the idea of making the words and talking to other people is massively unappealing. And yet, the thing that separates the successful artist from the person who "likes to draw" isn't talent so much as the ability to form, grow and keep relationships.
I decided that perhaps what I needed was to go back and revisit my own advice on networking. Maybe the key to what I'd forgotten about how to interact successfully with people was in there somewhere. So here we go.....I had a list of five things. Here they are, edited and revisited a little bit for post-pandemic purposes:
1. Just show up.
When we are uncomfortable with an activity, we tend to avoid it, and right now being around people feels deeply uncomfortable. But we need to stop worrying . We need to stop making excuses, stop being afraid and show up anyway in our community. If you don’t feel like talking to anyone once you get there, don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember Moreland and Beach and their research –- just being seen around will increase your chances of making a positive impression, even if you don’t say anything to anyone.By the second or third time you’ve seen someone around, working up the courage to say hello and start a conversation will be much less intimidating. So start attending those art openings, those community events hosted by your local witch shop, those outdoor festivals. Observe whatever COVID protocols you feel you need to in order to be safe and not get sick, but start showing up.
2. Be interested, not interesting.
If the reason you’re scared of interacting with those around you is because you think that you have to have something to offer someone in order to initiate a conversation, you’re wrong. People who try too hard to be interesting in conversation often fail to impress because it’s contrived. If you are talking at someone, you are not connecting to them. You are at best boring them, and quite possibly pissing them off. Drop your agenda when you start a conversation. Treat the opportunity to meet someone for the first time as an exploration: find out who they are, what they are interested in, and most importantly, what kind of common ground you share. You’ll be surprised at what you learn and how quickly your interest in them is reciprocated.
3. Be generous when you are hungry.
Okay, I’ll ‘fess up, that’s a quote from marketing genius Seth Godin. But it’s true. If you look first for opportunities to be of service to the people around you, your goodwill will accrue rather quickly. And that is what friendship and relationships are really about –- mutual exchange and goodwill. In your efforts to really get to know someone, listen for opportunities to help them if they have a problem you might be able to solve. Usually when you’re “trying to network” you spend all your time listening to see if the person you’re talking to can help you with what you want to make happen. That’s why it feels so sleazy. Forget about what’s of use to you and start making yourself useful. It’s a more human and authentic way of connecting, and most people remember and appreciate when you’ve helped them.
4. Delay gratification.
In a results-oriented society, we tend to think that our efforts to make friendships are unsuccessful unless we walk out of an event with a brand new bestie who gets all our jokes and feels like we've known them since we were seven. But most of us do not forge instant connections with people, and given what we've all just been through, that's even more true now. Your goal in looking to make new connections should not be to secure an immediate commitment of some kind from everyone you meet. Your goal is to authentically connect and build a real relationship -- find out who a person is, what interests them, what they like to do. If there’s an opportunity for you to exchange notes or numbers or make plans to do something later, great. If not, that's fine. Nothing screams desperation more than trying to make something happen when there's no immediate opportunity at hand. If you meet someone who seems genuinely interesting, but there doesn't seem to be a good opportunity for meeting up again or doing something, just ask for their email. Offer to send them that article you were telling them about on your favorite Netflix show. You do not need to build the whole friendship all at once.
5. Always say thank you.
One of the big hallmarks of public human interaction right now seems to be a dearth of manners. We don't say please. We don't say thank you. We act entitled, and bristle when we see that entitlement peeking out with others. Saying thank you is a lost art in this society, and if you master it, you will be that much more memorable, and people will want to help you again. It doesn’t take much. Get in the habit of thanking people when you have a chance, even for small things. It’s a small act that reaps big rewards. Look for opportunities to use the "five polite words" -- excuse me, thank you, and please. Yes, it seems antiquated to tell people to use their manners, but honestly, in a society where everyone seems mistrustful and scared, polite is actually a good start to building bridges and making connections. A small thing, but doable, which is what we need in a world that is often overwhelming and where our give-a-shit is hard to find.
I was in an airport recently and a woman sitting near me was crying. No one wanted to disturb her, and so there she was, a young woman alone in an airport gate area, visibly upset. A man came up to her and said "Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing that you are upset, do you need a hug?" She was incredibly grateful. They hugged. He began listening to her as she told him that she was moving to a new city and she was upset because she had just graduated from college and none of her friends would be in this new city. He listened, said some reassuring things, offered to buy her a drink at the airport bar while they waited to board the flight. By the time the two of them got on the airplane, she was smiling, laughing.
It would be easy to view that exchange cynically, but I'm choosing to take it for what it was in that very moment -- a person saw another person upset, and reached out in a human way to comfort them. I wish I had had the courage and the compassion to do that when I saw her. I like to think that I am the kind of person that does that. But in that moment, I wasn't. I'm glad that someone else was. And in the future, I hope I will be. We all need some practice right now at being human with each other. We need to do what we can, and be patient with ourselves and with each other when we can't.
The bottom line of all my previous advice and current observation seems to be this: We seem to have lost the understanding that people are not objects to be acted upon. They are human beings. And when we engage people on a human level, face to face, without the Internet as a mediator, without some ulterior motive to warp the interaction – good things can happen for everyone. But for good things to happen, we need to let go of our self-centeredness and fear. We need to stop fixating on our agenda for whatever this interaction is supposed to be and just meet people where they are and as they are. That's hard to do when we've been training ourselves for the last two years to view our fellow humans as potential vectors for a deadly disease. But it really is the key to being able to be at ease with each other, again, to be able to enjoy each other again.
Start small, with five polite words. Focus on what you've giving, not what you're getting out of people. and above all, show up and be patient. None of us does this alone, we're just not built for that. But each of us has to do our little bit if we are to find each other again.
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