To Belong
We love to welcome new people into the Craft and the Pagan community. But do we really know how to make them feel like they belong?
One of the things that we pagans tend to be awfully proud of is that we don't proselytize. We do not go out and try to actively recruit people to our beliefs. Some of this is the pragmatic problem that we do not have one set of easily packaged and communicated beliefs (Rule of 100 in effect). It's really hard to recruit someone to a belief system that is actually a collection of vastly differing belief systems that all share a common thread of being nature-based and loosely identified with various pre-Christian deities whose actual worship practices have been largely lost to history save for some remnants that have largely been rewritten by Christian monks.
Some of it is also a bone-deep conviction that this is not a faith, but a path, and that no one should come to this path who doesn't feel actively called to it. And people should have the right to follow whatever path they feel called to, whether that is Christianity, Norse paganism, Wicca, or some other faith path. That belief, that this is your path and you should be able to decide not only which path you want to follow, but how to do it, is one that in a corner of the spiritual world where consensus is hard to find, is surprisingly almost universally held among mainstream pagans.
And yet...
Sometimes we as pagans miss the mark in making our groups feel like home to people who are called to this path.
I've spent a lot of time in various volunteer and professional roles where my job was recruitment and retention of new people. With spring finally rolling in, festival season is in full swing. Pagan Pride Days will be celebrated across America, and people will be harnessing the new energy that spring provides to check out their local pagan groups. We need to be ready.
I'm not saying that our community isn't kind or welcoming when a new person shows up. But making someone feel welcome and making them feel like they belong are two different things. Think of this like what happens when someone comes to your house. It is relatively easy to make someone feel welcome. You smile and are warm with them. You might offer them food and drink, and give them a chair around your fire and ask them all kinds of questions about themselves and respond enthusiastically to their answers.
They will feel welcome. But they will also go back to their own home later and they will wait for you to invite them over again. Because while you made them feel good while they were in your presence, they did not get the idea that they should come back whenever they want. Belonging is what happens when we convey to someone that they are now part of the household.
Relationships between pagan groups and newbies begin with welcoming, but if they do not transition to belonging, the person will eventually move on. This doesn’t need to happen overnight. After all, if you went over to a new friend’s house for a game night, the first time you’ve really hung out with this friend, and then at the end of the night the host expected you to move in to the spare bedroom, that would feel kind of creepy and weird. There is a mutuality here, of getting to know each other between group and prospective member, that is absolutely legit.
Most groups do think about how to make newcomers feel welcome. They might even have classes or special meetings or information points at events designed to answer questions and supply information that help those who are new to the Craft, new to Paganism, or new to the group with orienting themselves. These are a great start. If you've never hung out around pagans before, there are a lot of customs that probably need some explaining. And if the only thing that you know about witchcraft is what you've learned at the movies or from television, you're going to be very confused when you start interacting with real live witches. Most groups are aware of the need to provide a welcome to new people that lets them know that we're delighted they are here, and hope they stick around. If you're group isn't thinking about the reception a new person gets when they show up at your public event, you should not wonder why your circle doesn't seem to grow.
But stopping there is to only do half the job. There are lots and lots of folks who show up at Pagan gatherings, but then get tired of them and decide to fly solo. They haven't felt like they "belong" anyplace, and so they basically assume that this means that their lot in life is to be a solo practitioner. They buy books and listen to podcasts, and go to the occasional festival gathering or conference. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a solo practitioner. Some of the most powerful and talented and compassionate witches I know are solo practitioners. But I often hear folks who are solo practitioners longing for the companionship and support and learning that can come from being part of a larger and more committed group situation.
How many groups really have conversations about the path to belonging? Okay, the new person who showed up at your booth at Pagan Pride feels welcome. They've started showing up to stuff. What's next? How do you help them feel like they actually belong here? The fact that your group or tradition has organized lessons and a tiered initiation system is not all by itself going to make someone feel like they belong. Asking them specifically if they want to be part of your group is great, but that also isn't going to make the difference all by itself.
Belonging is a kind of magic in and of itself, one that is much more mundane than what we practice as witches, but no less awesome and life-changing. It's a mix of things that when blended together give a person the feeling that they are not just welcome, not just accepted, but genuinely a part of a group.
Belonging means you feel seen and understood on a deep level without having to explain yourself.
This one is harder than it looks, and is the root of why many groups that so badly want to be diverse in composition fail miserably at it. Because there are all kinds of ways to be different, and the fact that you understand what being different in our society means as a general principle does not mean that you understand it as it applies to people who hold differences that are not the same as yours.
As witches and pagans, we know what it is to be different. And we know what it is to be discriminated against for your beliefs and practices. But if we're white, we don't fully understand what it means to be discriminated against based on race. And even if we've been a student of Black culture in America for a while, we probably don't fully understand what it is to be Black in America. And there is no small amount of racism and colonialism n the history of neopaganism in America. Consequently, we need to acknowledge that Black people, and people of color as a whole, experience our spaces, our rituals, and our gatherings very, very differently than we might imagine.
Think about the last festival you probably attended. It was most likely at a campground in the woods, maybe in a state park. Do you realize that Black people have historically been harassed when they try to camp in parks, and in many states were banned from state run parks during the Jim Crow era? Given the history of violence against Black folks in America, can you see how maybe going into the woods with a big group of white folks you don't know might not feel safe to a Black person? Is the park you're camping in ADA compliant? Is there access for people who have mobility issues, or are they relegated to a second class experience in your rituals and programming? Are there sanitary, safe spaces for nursing moms? Is there access to a refrigerated space to store insulin? Many event organizers are asking these types of questions, but many never give them a second thought. They assume that if it works for them and the people close to them, it should work for everybody.
BIPOC, LGBTQIA+ and disabled individuals are tired of having to explain themselves as a precursor to being accepted and feeling comfortable in spaces. The fact that they often have to in order to get their needs met or avoid distress is a stark demonstration that they are not being made to feel as if they belong. Sometimes worse yet is when groups make a big deal about their presence, and immediately try to rush them to the center of the action, and bend over backwards in grand gestures of accommodation that are inauthentic and performative. In both instances, the group is communicating that it isn't comfortable with people who are different, and hasn't thought about the comfort of people who are different.
Belonging means being included in decisions and decision making processes. This is one that affects more hierarchical and oathbound groups most directly. While some people are okay with having an elusive group of "higher level" people making all the decisions, the vast majority of folks at the very least like to know how decisions get made, and that they are being made on the basis of what's in the best interest of the group as a whole. Many folks come to our practices and groups having been abused in other faith practices by people in authority. And for those people in particular, "just trust me" feels a little bit insufficient.
Most of us don't feel like we fully belong somewhere until we can be part of the decision process. Going back to the household example, one easy way to tell if someone is a member of a household or merely a guest is when you look at choices as to how the house is cared for. Who gets input as to the choice of color if you are repainting the front door? Who gets a say in what's for dinner? Who decides how you load the dishwasher? Groups are no different. Who decides what we do for our Sabbat ritual next month? Who has access to the group's ritual spaces and gear? Who has the ability to suggest activities for the group and who runs those activities?
And this is why often groups that are less hierarchical often run afoul of this anyway. Because even in groups where there is no hierarchical leadership, cliques can still form. And those cliques can do just as much harm to the overall sense of belonging for group members. In fact, they can often be worse, because they aren't as out in the open, and folks who try to ferret them out are often subjected to gaslighting. "What do you mean, a clique? There is no such thing here!" might be the response. Be careful anytime you see that it's always the same group of people making decisions or running group activities. Are they developing a sense of entitlement to that role? Are they being inclusive of other folks who might want to participate?
Until someone feels like they have some stake in how the group is run, and some idea that their input is somehow included in that process, that feeling that they truly belong with prove elusive.
Belonging means your contributions to the group are seen and valued. It's a pretty well known fact that most people who leave a job don't necessarily leave because they aren't making enough money. Surveys and studies show that the biggest reason people cite when they leave a job is that they didn't feel appreciated.
The same is often true of the groups we participate in voluntarily. It's important that people who offer their time, their attention and their resources are thanked on the regular. And that gratitude should be expressed as personally as possible and as often as possible. Honestly, it's near impossible to say thank you too much to people. If your group is in the habit of providing organized recognition of volunteers, it's important that you spread the wealth far and wide, and make sure you are fully noticing ALL your volunteers. There are folks who often toil behind the scenes who get left out of these efforts for years. In our new post-pandemic world, where not all our meetings or activities are taking place in a shared location, people who do their service remotely or online often are not seen. Sooner or later, when someone feels their contributions are not acknowledged, they will go elsewhere.
But even if your group doesn't provide formal recognition, it's important the leaders in a group pay attention to who's making contributions to the group's work, and find a way to communicate that they've noticed. Even if you aren't a person who's in a formal leadership role, you're just a long-standing member, it's also important for you to take notice of people who are making contributions. We often think that we need to be in charge for our regard to mean something. That's really not true. Often the fact that our peers like what we do and tell us so can mean a great deal. Sometimes it means even more because it is coming from a peer and not a leader.
The point is, you need to notice when people do stuff to contribute to the group's well being. No one likes to feel as if their gifts are being ignored.
Belonging means there is value solely in you being you. The upside of our new focus on self-care and boundaries is that we have a much more refined understanding of the need to make sure that we are not engaging too heavily with people who sap us of our valuable energy and resources. "If it doesn't serve you, get rid of it," is the new mantra. The dark underbelly of that way of looking at things, however, is it can lead to a certain transactional cast over our relationships. When we spend all of our time asking "Are you someone who adds to my joy or saps my energy?" as we look at the people around us, that can too easily morph into "what have you done for me lately?"
Reciprocity is an old and venerable idea in the context of relationships. The old Norse advice poem, the Havamal, is clear on the point that "To his friend a man should bear him as friend, and gift for gift bestow," meaning that one should always return in kind when someone is generous with you, and not be in someone's debt, even as a friend. And there is, among the social set, a belief that if someone invites you over, you need to also subsequently invite them over. We grow uncomfortable in lopsided relationships where one person is doing all the inviting and giving and talking and the other is doing next to nothing to contribute to the growth of the relationship.
But there is a difference between the flowing of generosity between friends and the exacting ledger-keeping of transactionalism. We all know that one person who keeps score. They know exactly how many times they have been invited to a party at Jane's house, and they pay careful attention to who remembered their birthday on Facebook and they make decisions about who to speak to at a social function based entirely on their calculations of who has done what for who. Sometimes in the very worst cases, they seek to invest their friendship attentions in people who are known to throw great parties or give great gifts or have lots of connections, solely because they want access to the largesse those folks are known to provide.
If your access to a group comes with a price tag of some kind, whether in money or time or resources of any kind. you might call yourself a member, but you are only a member so long as you keep paying up. That is not belonging. That is pay to play. And while some people think that kind of attitude is only being smart about who you hang out with, in truth it is a very shallow and empty way to relate to people. And it's guaranteed to find you alone when you truly need people the most.
I'm not saying that the mark of belonging is whether people are able to tolerate your freeloading. Obviously there is a middle ground here. Because someone who shows up in a group a lot, always expecting to be catered to and never offering any service to the group isn't exactly someone whose belonging you necessarily want to encourage. But nor do you want to make someone think that their continued belonging in the group is contingent on their bringing 3 dozen deviled eggs every time you have a cookout. The right mindset is actually quite the opposite -- would the group still be excited to have you at the cookout if you didn't bring the deviled eggs?
Caring for someone and considering them part of the group irrespective of whether they are actively providing valuable contributions at any given moment is an important mark of belonging. And people are smart. They can usually see through your bullshit on this point. They see your facial expression change when you see they don't have a tray of deviled eggs in their hand. They feel the slight chill in their reception at the meeting when they've indicated they aren't going to be hosting the pool party this summer. We need to make it clear with anyone who's part of our group that we love their showing up just as much, if not more, than what goodies they might show up with or what assistance they might provide. You know you belong when you know you are valued for you, not what you have, what you can pay, or what you can do.
In the end, we can attract tons of new people, only to find that none of them actually stay. And I suppose if you enjoy a high burn rate on your membership, that's okay. But if you truly want your group to grow and thrive, and for the people in it to feel like they've found their spiritual home, you need to not only give careful thought about how you attract new people, and provide some active consideration to what will make them feel like they belong.
Blessed be, y'all.